Songs Unfinished Page 12

“The thing is, I didn’t ask her to come with me. I told her I’d be back, but as far as she was concerned, my leaving to be with my mom meant I was leaving her.”

  Jaymi fell silent and Shawn wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t want to push. She figured she’d let Jaymi decide if and when she wanted to open up more on the subject. Jaymi made no move to leave, and finally, she continued.

  “I needed her that night. Probably more than I ever needed anybody in my whole life up to that point. But instead of staying to work things out with me, she accused me of having an affair with Nikki and took off to go study with her friend Suri. Friend, my ass.”

  Shawn had never heard Jaymi speak with such contempt. An affair with Nikki? No way. Not possible. Shawn wanted to choke the living shit out of Peach and her so-called friend. She wanted even more to hold Jaymi and take away her pain. For now, she settled for taking her hand and gently caressing it. Jaymi still showed no inclination to get up.

  “I can’t believe she thought she couldn’t trust you,” Shawn said, sensing Jaymi might have more to say. “Seems like she would have known you better than that.”

  “I thought so.”

  “So she got jealous easy?”

  “Actually, no. The only person she was ever jealous of was Nikki, for some ungodly reason. Nikki and I have been close for a long time, but there’s never been anything romantic between us. Peach never lacked confidence when it came to women, especially me. She knew she could trust me. I think she just liked to throw Nikki in my face to keep me on my toes. If she had seriously been jealous, she wouldn’t have stopped coming to our gigs. I understood. I mean, I didn’t expect her to go to every one. And she was, after all, studying law, which monopolized most of her time.”

  “No wonder I never met her. You’d still think she could’ve made time to go to a show once in a while, though.”

  “Yeah.” Jaymi pulled her feet underneath her. “I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on things since we broke up, and I’ve decided it was ultimately for the best. We were so different in many ways. I’m surprised we didn’t have more fights.”

  “You don’t seem the type to fight.”

  “No, not at all. But Peach, she thrived on debates and arguments.”

  “The fine makings of a good lawyer.”

  Jaymi released a long breath, and then laughed halfheartedly. “I don’t know how we lasted as long as we did. Stupidity, I guess. I was young and stupid and thought I was in love. You don’t think straight when you’re in love—”

  “We’re gay, Jaymi—we’re not supposed to think straight when it comes to love,” Shawn teased, sitting up and giving Jaymi a playful push.

  “Very funny.” Jaymi returned the gesture, as Shawn jokingly exaggerated a fall back onto the bed, then sat up again.

  “Don’t feel so bad, Jaymi. Everybody does stupid things when it comes to love. And if it’s any consolation, I think Peach wasn’t as secure as you thought she was.”

  “You think she sabotaged our relationship on purpose?”

  Shawn shrugged. “She probably convinced herself that someday you were going to cheat on her anyway, or you’d leave her when the band got more successful and had to travel. So why not beat you to it? Save herself the humiliation. I mean, it’s the way I would’ve thought, when I was younger.”

  “Yeah, well, she humiliated herself anyway, because now everyone knows she’s a damn cheater.”

  “She’s a damn fool is what she is,” Shawn said softly. She leaned forward and without thinking, moved her hand to Jaymi’s shoulder. “I mean, shit, didn’t she know what she had?”

  They sat frozen, close enough that one of them just needed to make the next move, close the gap. After a moment she felt Jaymi’s hand squeeze hers, and then remove it. She saw tears well up in Jaymi’s eyes and her heart sank.

  “Good night.”

  She heard the sound of Jaymi’s bedroom door closing firmly behind her, followed by muffled sobs Shawn was sure she didn’t want her to hear.

  Smooth. She’s in pain, and all you can think about is kissing her. Shawn pulled a pillow over her face and muffled a frustrated groan. She lay back down, shut off her light, and looked at the clock: 1:57. She had to be at work in four hours. It wasn’t like Jaymi to keep her up talking until the wee hours knowing she needed to work the next morning. Which told Shawn she must have really needed someone to talk to. Jaymi’d needed a friend, and once again, Shawn’s crush had blurred that line and she’d almost crossed it. And it was her comment about fame that had triggered the conversation in the first place.

  But Shawn also sensed these crazy feelings were becoming mutual. Peach had obviously hurt Jaymi badly, which was making her push Shawn away whenever they got close. There was also the focus on her career that she was determined to keep on course.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. I’m disrupting her life. I’ll never be able to live with myself if I screw things up for her. If she starts to have feelings for me, I don’t want to put her in that position—thinking she has to choose between her lover and her career. I’d just hold her back.

  She made up her mind that she would start looking for her own apartment after work tomorrow. Today, actually. With that decision made, she tried to fall asleep. The sobs in the neighboring room had finally subsided, but Shawn’s heart was aching with the pain she knew Jaymi was feeling, and with the sense of loss that came with her decision to move out.

  She hated Peach for causing Jaymi such heartbreak.

  It’s no use. I can’t sleep. She turned on the light, opened her notebook and began to write. The pen scribbled out word after word, line after line, and as the words began to flow into a rhythm, the melody began to emerge simultaneously.

  *

  Jaymi refrained from slamming the door after she left Shawn’s room. After all, that wouldn’t be fair. She wasn’t angry at Shawn. No, it’s me. What the hell is wrong with me?

  She fell onto her bed and began to sob. Why can’t I just admit I’m attracted to her? Shawn. Who was down and out and came to me for help. After her own father turned her away. She’s probably as vulnerable right now as I am. And what if I’m falling into that same pattern of being the rescuer? No, I can’t let anything happen between us. We’re not ready. Maybe I should give her a deadline to move. I’ll feel like a jerk, but it’s probably for the best. Remove the temptation, right?

  Except I like having her here. Sara’s right, she is cute. What if it doesn’t work out? We’re getting to be such good friends. And she said herself that she’s not interested in dating, that she’s trying to focus on her career, too.

  She tried to sleep. But she continued to ponder the feelings that were growing between herself and her new roommate. At two thirty a.m. she gave up trying to sleep and turned on the light. She reached for the notebook she religiously kept in her nightstand and let her feelings escape through her pen. And when she turned the ink-filled page, she acknowledged the miracle which had just occurred: the dissolution of the writer’s block that had plagued her for almost a year.

  Excitement consumed her as she reread what she had written. She let out a huge breath of satisfaction and smiled. She didn’t want to sleep now; she wanted to play it. To share it. With Shawn. Now.

  She approached Shawn’s room and stopped in her tracks. There was light filtering out beneath the door. She inched it open and peeked in to find Shawn sitting on her bed with her guitar on her lap and a notepad in front of her. She was so immersed in lightly tapping the strings and penciling notations onto the paper, that she didn’t notice Jaymi until she was beside her. She finally looked up and let out a slight gasp of surprise.

  For the first time since Shawn had moved in, Jaymi acknowledged that living together wasn’t hindering their careers. It was helping. She handed Shawn the page she’d written and watched as Shawn scanned it before looking up at her.

  “Can I hear it?”

  Jaymi experimented with a few chord progressions, humming along, makin
g adjustments here and there as she worked through it. She then cleared her throat, smiled, and sang through a rough cut. She handed the guitar back to Shawn, after she had applauded vigorously, and Shawn played her song to Jaymi, who then gave her a standing ovation. A quiet shyness loomed in the air for a few minutes.

  “I never did get to give you a hug after you sang tonight,” Jaymi finally said.

  “Does that mean I get one now? Or do I get two after my next gig?”

  Jaymi took Shawn’s hand. “Oh no, I can’t wait that long.” She pulled Shawn into her arms and lowered her head, their cheeks briefly brushing before she rested her chin on Shawn’s shoulder.

  A faint whinny rose through the floor from one of the horses in the barn below. They both chuckled and Shawn said softly, “See, our songs are so good even the horses are applauding. And you can tell everybody you heard it straight from the horse’s mouth.” Her breath caught when Jaymi brought her right hand to Shawn’s cheek, resting it there so lightly it sent a quiver through her body. She gently brushed back Shawn’s bangs and then combed her fingers through her hair, her forearm coming to rest across her shoulders.

  Jaymi whispered, “You are so cute.”

  “And I am so calling in sick this morning.”

  “And why is that? You look fine to me.”

  “Because if you’re thinking of kissing me, I’m not going to stop you.”

  Jaymi inched her face even closer and when she gently pressed her lips to Shawn’s, it was even more amazing than Shawn had imagined it would be. After several sweet, teasing presses, Jaymi’s lips claimed Shawn’s, pulling a moan from Shawn’s throat. She could sense Jaymi’s reluctance slowly diminishing, and ultimately surrendering, to the moment. Aware of Jaymi’s fears, she allowed Jaymi to take control. She made no move toward the bed, but simply followed Jaymi’s lead, responding with passion, but without aggression. Shawn tenderly ran her fingers through Jaymi’s hair and then caressed her back. Jaymi kept her arms wrapped gently around Shawn’s torso as the kiss continued.

  After several minutes, Shawn felt Jaymi’s hand slide under her shirt and onto her bare back. A shiver ran up her spine from a touch so light and soothing that she thought if Jaymi simply ran her hands over her entire body and nothing more, she could die a happy woman. No one had ever touched her that way before. She contemplated slipping her own hand under Jaymi’s shirt but decided it best to be patient and let Jaymi continue to dictate where this all was going. She wanted her to feel safe, despite the aching desire throbbing between her legs.

  As if she had sensed her holding back, Jaymi ended the kiss and looked into her eyes. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. I just don’t want us to rush things.”

  “You’re right.” She sighed and rested her head on Shawn’s shoulder. “Do you want me to go back to my room?”

  “Yes.”

  Jaymi let go and backed up a step, her face scrunched up with hurt, when Shawn smiled and took her hand.

  “Jaymi, you don’t understand. I want to go with you.”

  “But I thought you didn’t want to rush things?”

  “Just to sleep. You have the queen-sized bed. It would be a hell of a lot more comfortable than this tiny futon. I would love nothing more than to just hold you in my arms while you sleep.”

  The look of surprise on Jaymi’s face was enough to melt Shawn’s heart. “I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

  They nestled under the covers and curled up in Jaymi’s bed. “Mmm, your bed is so comfy,” murmured Shawn.

  “I’m sorry you’ve had to sleep on that old futon for a month.”

  “No, don’t be sorry, the futon’s fine. Believe me, after living in my car, I feel like I’ve been staying at a five-star hotel.”

  “I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive, but I’m glad your father turned you away.”

  “Me, too.” Shawn yawned and gave Jaymi a squeeze. She then propped her head up on one elbow and caressed Jaymi’s sleepy face. “Hey, you falling asleep on me without a good-night kiss?”

  “Too dangerous,” she whispered, her eyes already closed.

  “Don’t you trust me?”

  Jaymi opened her eyes. “Not as much as I don’t trust me. I haven’t had sex in far too long. So believe me, even though we’ve been up for almost twenty-four hours and we’re both completely exhausted, I’m horny enough and have just enough wine in me to throw all my willpower out the window and attack you anyway. And wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, or I’ll have to send you back to your room.” She rolled back onto her side and closed her eyes.

  Shawn kissed her head, spooned her, and slid an arm around her waist. “Good night, Jaymi.”

  “G’night, Shawn.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Karla, it’s Shawn. Listen, I won’t be in today. I’m not feeling well.”

  “You won’t be in? On a Friday? You know Friday’s one of our busiest days,” Karla snapped. “And you haven’t been here long enough to have earned any sick time.”

  “I know, I’ll have to take it without pay.” Shawn knew she could make up the difference if she offered to help Alice today. Although with Jaymi also having the day off, she knew it was going to be hard to drag herself out of the house. She didn’t care. The barn work would only take a couple hours, and Jaymi would be nearby the whole time, right upstairs, merely yards away for the whole day. Unquestionably less torturous than spending nine hours away from her in a room full of coffee beans and indifferent coworkers.

  “You seemed fine yesterday.”

  It was 5:23 a.m. and Shawn had slept only two hours. She knew Karla had a right to be pissed. She also knew she was less likely to lose her job if she called out, than if she showed up sleep deprived and screwed up all day. “Karla, I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to come in today. I’ll see you on Monday,” Shawn said and hung up quickly.

  Shaking off the frustration, she stood in the doorway of Jaymi’s room and marveled at the thought that she was about to crawl back into bed with her. The sun was just coming up, and a thin line of daylight was peeking through the window between the blinds. She hoped that the look on Jaymi’s face reflected an inner peace as she slept. For it was obvious that, while awake, there was a lot going on in that head of hers. Shawn wanted to know her inside and out, and she hoped that Jaymi would, over time, continue to let her in and share more, as she had begun to last night.

  She slipped under the covers, pulled herself close, and savored the feeling of their bodies pressed together. As she tried to fall back asleep, it occurred to her that despite sharing kisses last night, they had yet to discuss their feelings for each other. Not that she knew what the hell she was feeling anyway. I have to be careful. I don’t want to scare her off and screw things up. I’m shocked that she came on to me. Shit, I hope it wasn’t just because of the wine, or I’ll feel like I took advantage of her.

  Her thoughts lulled her back to sleep until she felt Jaymi stir and place a kiss on her cheek. Jaymi’s fingers were lightly caressing her face and hair. Shawn opened her eyes.

  “Good morning, cutie,” whispered Jaymi.

  “Morning. Cutie? I like that,” Shawn said, grinning. “What time is it?”

  “About noon. You want some breakfast?”

  “Are you on the menu?”

  Jaymi’s face flushed. She was obviously not expecting such a flirtatious answer to her question.

  “Look at you blushing,” teased Shawn. “Has it really been so long?”

  “Yes. Since Peach and I broke up.”

  “Wow. That’s a long time.”

  “And it’ll be even longer if you keep rubbing it in.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not pressuring you or anything. And I hope you don’t think I’m only interested in sex. I mean, don’t get me wrong, not that I wouldn’t want to, ’cause believe me, I…Ah, shit.” Shawn buried her face in the pillow.

  Jaymi pulled the pillow away and laughed. “You
have quite a talent for embarrassing yourself, don’t you?”

  “I have talents in many areas.” She winked and flashed what she hoped was a devilish grin. Sex was one area in which she wasn’t lacking self-confidence. “Last night was only a preview.”

  “Oh, Shawn.” Jaymi bit her bottom lip and looked up at the ceiling. “About last night…”

  Oh shit, here it comes. I blew it…

  Jaymi cupped Shawn’s chin in her hand and lifted her face to look her in the eye. “Last night was amazing,” she said softly.

  Shawn looked at her in awe. “It really was, wasn’t it?”

  Jaymi’s lips slowly turned up as she nodded. “I have never shared a night like that with anyone.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean. The songs, the talking, the making out. Then sleeping all cuddled up—hey, what’s wrong?” Shawn reached up and wiped a tear from Jaymi’s cheek.

  “I don’t know if I can do this. I didn’t expect this, and with everything going on in my career right now…I’ve had too many setbacks already and I can’t afford to get distracted.”

  “I have no intention of interfering with your career plans.” Shawn could see the protective wall going back up. They both sat up in bed. Perhaps regret was settling in after all.

  “No? Then what exactly are your intentions?”

  “I don’t know. I want my music career, just like you.” Jaymi remained quiet, and Shawn felt the panic churning in her stomach. Just as she’d thought, she’d gone and fucked up a good thing.

  “Jaymi,” Shawn finally said, “do you still love her?”

  Jaymi’s eyes turned a darker shade of blue as she looked at Shawn in alarm. “No. Maybe. I mean, I don’t feel anything for her. I don’t want her back.”

  “Then why are you still letting her hurt you?”

  “She’s not.”

  “But you’re still letting what she did to you control you, so yes, she’s still hurting you.” Jaymi’s eyes softened and then began to water. Shawn cautiously raised a hand to her face and swiped away a tear. “You’re scared. I understand. If you’re not ready for anything more than what we shared last night, that’s okay. This took me by surprise, too, you know.”